Find Your Happy Place

How often is the well being of your spirit directed by external forces?  When something goes right, you're on cloud 9.  When something goes wrong you're in the depths of despair.  Why are you giving your joy away and letting your life and happiness be determined by the actions of other people? This is the surest path to depression and anxiety.  Regardless of the circumstance, the drama, the highs or the lows, stay the course, hold steady and do what you can to stay centered and grounded.

Find your happy place.  If you haven't been there lately, let me describe it for you.  Its that place where you know that you'll be ok no matter what life brings you.  Its where your heart is filled with faith that whether they love you or love you not, your internal happiness will survive.  Your mind doesn't race with worry when a door closes because you know a window will open.  Your body is filled with positive energy even when those around you predict gloom and doom.  Your happy place is the core of your being, the joyful spirit inside you where no one dwells except you and your God.

Take back your spirit and find the place in your heart where joy dwells.  Once you find it, move in.

Happy New Year!

You DON’T Complete Me - Why you need to put yourself first.

Today Elizabeth Edwards lost her long battle with cancer. She was to me a shining example of personal strength and why you need to put yourself first. Her husband screwed up, publicly. Fathered a child with another woman, denied the whole thing and then recanted admitting to both the child and the affair. He acted selfishly and his actions impacted his family and his wife.

We see broken wives everyday, who crumple and fall in the same situation. How many Oprah episodes (or Jerry Springer if that’s your thing) feature the tearful (or chair hurling) wife? How  do I go on without him, they cry. What they’re really saying is “Who am I without him?”

Elizabeth Edwards died today and all I could think was that no matter what he was doing, no matter what drama he imposed, she still had to battle cancer and fight back death. While she loved him deeply I’m sure, she had to step into her obligation to fight her fight no matter what he was doing. Whether he loved her or not… Whether he cheated or not... Whether he lied or not... At the end of the day – indeed at the end of her life – she still had to be Elizabeth Edwards.

That’s a lesson I learned years ago. I was so busy worrying about what my man was doing that I began to neglect myself. I didn’t want him to go anywhere or do anything without me, for fear that if given a little freedom, he might leave forever. What I didn’t realize back then was that no matter what he did I would have to live with myself. If we divorced one day, if he passed away, or if he ran away and joined the circus – I would still be me. If I remained lost in a dance of keeping him “here” I’d lose myself.

I think that’s the thing that strikes women the hardest. We give of ourselves, nurture our families and build a home where we want everyone to feel happy, secure and loved. We build our lives around a man or our kids, but when the relationship ends and the kids grow up and move away, you’re still there. Will you know who you are? Will you be the bitter woman who blames everyone else for her loneliness? Or will you be the woman who loves herself and can be alone without feeling “lonely”?

I’ve learned that you’ve got to be whole. Never mind that “you complete me” drivel, you complete yourself. Be whole on your own. The people in your life are there to share your journey until your paths separate and you have to walk on by yourself. Are you just going to sit pitifully by the side of the road until the next person comes along and hitchhike with them? Don’t do that. It’s a road destined for loneliness and regret. Walk your own path, stop when you’re tired, smell the roses and learn as you go – but never be afraid to walk alone.

Who are you, really?

Two of my favorite female characters are Kandi Burruss of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and the infamous Samantha Jones of Sex and the City. What I love about them is that they know exactly who they are and no matter where they are, no matter who is watching, they are who they are. The irony that they are both paid to perform for the camera notwithstanding, they are both authentic characters.


Kandi is a self-made, successful singer and songwriter. She’s very down to earth, nothing fazes her and when she sees bull---- she calls it like it is. Love that. Kandi was attending a really chi-chi-poo-poo bridal shower on a recent episode, where the women were dressed to the nines – big hats, gloves, and ballerinas. So in a very small gesture, as she was alighting from her Mercedes for the event, she puts on her big hat. Looking like a new millennium Minnie Pearl, with the price tag dangling from her obviously new big hat, she snatches off the price tag and keeps on strutting. Cool.

Then there’s Samantha Jones, so comfortable in her heterosexuality – as any fan of the show knows. Always ready for whatever comes up, she’s open for new, ummm, opportunities, and she doesn’t hold her tongue – no puns intended. Even in Abu Dhabi surrounded by women shrouded in burkas, and people all around are speaking in whispers – she speaks her mind, loudly.

A good friend of mine, let’s call her PB, once told me that women get to a certain age and they recognize who they really are. They no longer live for approval, or acceptance they embrace themselves, do what feels right and keep on strutting. In today's terms, that someone is your authentic self.

Male or female, we have all bought into other people's ideas of who we are and what we should say and do. Whether its our family, or our boss, or society in general. But we spend so much of our lives and our energy trying to meet someone else's expectations that eventually we resent the restrictions and we come to resent ourselves for living half a life. Well, here's my expectation for you. Live your whole life, be your whole self, and be happy in it.

Its not an easy thing to and I don't know exactly how to do that, but I have caught glimpses of the real me..The one who loves my husband, my kids and my family - shopping, movies, good music and the beach…The one who really, really doesn't like getting up before noon...The one who doesn't like confrontations, but will handle it when necessary. I recognize those are some of the things that make me me, and I'm learning to embrace that she is my authentic self. She's not perfect, and she’s not here full-time yet but I’m working on it.

Have you met your authentic self? http://www.oprah.com/spirit/New-Years-Resolution-Just-Be-Yourself

Define Your Own Success

When you first started out in your career, you probably said something like: I want to make Partner/Vice President/Sargeant/Broker by the time I’m 25/35/45. So you worked like crazy, completely focused on learning your business and mastering your craft, when suddenly you look up and find that you’ve made it. The company promotes you to Partner/Vice President/Sargeant/Broker. Break out the champagne, or maybe its Miller time but go ahead and enjoy your accomplishment, you’ve certainly earned it. Congrats! Woohoo!

Eventually the buzz passes and its time to settle into the new gig, learn the ropes and do the work. What may surprise you is that its not as great as you thought it would be. How did that happen? Its kind of like the buyer’s remorse for new homeowners. You’re looking at the white picket fence and thinking its worth the price but once you fork over all your cash and sign your name to a tremendous pile of legal documents, you’re faced with the reality of those big payments for 30 years!

The same principle could apply to your Partner/Vice President/Sargeant/Broker goal. You spent so much time focused on getting there, that you never stopped to think about what actually happens when you get there? The view from the top of your mountain may look very different than what you had envisioned. Its too late to turn back once you get there, but there are important clues on the journey to the top if we just slow down and notice the signs.

What do you do? What if you love the nitty gritty task management and being involved in the day to day. At your level, that’s par for the course, but one or two levels above may not be as involved. Would you be happy sitting in meetings day after day talking through big picture strategy and long term planning? Or would you long for the days when you could cross things off your to do list every day? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s important to note as it could lead to major dissatisfaction in the executive suite. Be sure to do your research and talk to people in the position you’re after and ask that “typical day on the job” question. Then plan your direction accordingly.

What about money? Money isn’t everything. Sure, it can solve a heck of a lot of problems and help you sleep a little better a night knowing that the bills are paid, but its really not everything. Let’s compare your local job to a higher paying position in the city. The pay scale for local, around the way jobs may be lower but will the thought of extra dollar signs be enough when you’re headed off to work packed on a train full of grumpy strangers at the crack of dawn? Or how about when your train is delayed and you’re stuck with those same grumpy strangers and you miss your kid’s school concert. Your kids will plow through that extra money before you can blink, but they would always remember your smiling face from the back row of the concert.

What about you? The bills are paid, the lights are on and the fridge is full. You’re able to make it to several school functions and your view is better than it was before your promotion. Itemized on paper, your new job has more pros than cons and it looks perfect. But something is still gnawing at you. Well, looks aren’t everything. Maybe its time to focus on home since you’ve spent so much energy focused on work. It may just be that youre ready for your next challenge. Just be mindful of the signs as you speed off to your next plateau.

Set a Goal…. Then Wing it!!!

In talking to a friend last week, I realized something about myself. I’m a goal setter. I rarely make a move without identifying the objective, plotting out the steps and then methodically stepping through each milestone to achieve the goal.

That can be a good thing for most but for me it’s a weakness.

My husband says I overanalyze. First I research. Then I go out and buy a “how to do this” book, read it cover to cover… then think some more…. I ponder… I wonder… I seek advice and counsel from trusted friends… then I think some more. Only problem is there’s no activity – no measurable progress. I move at a snail’s pace, talk about it, obsess about it (this could take years)… THEN I make a move.

Back in the day, I got bored really easily at work. Boredom led me to job-hop in a time when that kind of thing was a no-no. Back then, in the 80’s and early 90’s, when my standards and requirements and expectations were really low I could afford that kind of freedom. Once I got married, had a house, kids (and a cat) my expectations rose higher and my freedom seemed limited.

Eventually I landed in a great job which I thought would cure my job-hopper tendencies. But after a few years I outgrew it and it was time to plot my next step. True to form, I started the research-ponder-wonder scenario and ultimately I made myself miserable. I couldn’t concentrate on work because I was preoccupied with what to do next, and I couldn’t concentrate on what to do next because I knew my work was suffering. Talk about miserable!

It didn’t help that there were people around me who were really happy at work. They were great people who were happy doing the same job for 10-20 years who would be happy to continue for 10-20 more. This was not something I could do…

Then one day while sitting under the dryer at the hairdresser mentally wrestling with what-to-do, what-to-do it occurred to me that I was wasting my time… Then I heard the voice of reason “Just keep swimming”, Dori said. You know Dori... The blue fish in Finding Nemo? (Yes, sometimes its important to listen to the voices of cartoon characters...) But I digress... LOL

Sure, it’s ok to set a goal. Sure, its ok to plan your next steps... just don’t obsess about them. Obsessing, over-analyzing and overthinking just waste time and energy. Too much of this focus on the future and you'll end up missing out on the good times that could be happening in the here and now. If you just keep swimming, you’ll probably end up somewhere better than you even envisioned. Just keep swimming. Work hard, do your best, let your light shine and keep the faith. Trust that there are angels around to do the heavy lifting.

Set a goal…. Then wing it!!

You’re always in my heart. Love Sy.

On a bright sunny day in 2000 my Grandmother Margaret died. She was my friend. I used to call her every couple of weeks and we’d just chat. She lived in Virginia Beach and we didn’t get to visit as often as we liked, so I’d fill her in on what was happening in my life. Grandmother was always happy to hear from me and I could hear the smile in her voice as I rambled on and she prodded me with questions. She had a twinkle in her eye, a great sense of style, a quick wit. She loved basketball and her New York Knicks and me.

After she died, her gold charm bracelet was passed on to me. The bracelet itself is woven with heart links and there are several heart charms. I wear it whenever I need to feel close to her, whenever I don’t think my strength will be enough. One of the charms is engraved with “You’re always in my heart. Love Sy.” Sy, or Simon, was my granddaddy and he bought this charm bracelet for her and inscribed those few words for the love of his life.

While wearing the bracelet recently it occurred to me how incredibly powerful those words are – worth so much more than their weight in gold – so to speak. I can’t find a single birthday card, or letter from either of them and I don’t have anything they’ve written… Just this charm and the words – You’re always in my heart….

They are a symbol of the love my grandparents shared and a reminder of the love they had for me. Those words have power. Our words have power, too. The power to pass on your love and your legacy to those you love even when you’re not there to say the words yourself.

I borrowed my friend’s book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. Randy was that brilliant and courageous college professor who died of pancreatic cancer. In chapter 14 Randy describes the instructions he left for his niece and nephew and how they should look after his kids after he’s gone. That thoughtfulness is his legacy and I am awestruck that his kids can pick up that book any day, anytime to hear how much he loved them – in Randy’s own words.

I wish I could have one more day with Grandmother Margaret, Aunt Naomi and Grandma Sophie … Thoughts occur to me and I pretend they were divinely transmitted from somewhere in heaven. I look at my kids and smile when I think of how much my grandparents would love them. I “hmph” and “mmm-mmm-mmmm” as I’ve heard throughout my life and wish I could hear again.

After I’ve gone my children and grandchildren may feel the same way about me. They may long to hear my voice and they may wish to know what I thought and how I thought and to confirm how much I loved them. That’s why I write -- so that when I’m gone I will leave a legacy of love. I write and with each word I release a little more of my heart. I'm convinced that as long as we share the love of our deepest heart, what will come back is the deepest love.

Just as Granddaddy said, “you’re always in my heart.” Love, M.

What the world needs now is more hotel rooms.

Hotel rooms are always neat and clean – vacuumed, dusted, and shiny. The bed is always made. The linens are always fresh. With or without an ocean view they are almost always welcoming and calm.

As much as I try to recreate that serenity at home, somehow our bedroom falls short. Ever-present in our room is a basket of laundry waiting to be folded. You can usually find a tower or two of books that we want to read but haven’t found the time. The kids like to leave little notes on our mirror: Need lunch money, please sign permission slip, can’t find my sneakers… A couple of file folders from work and sheets of electrical plans usually complete my bedroom's decor. Not exactly the picture of serenity.

So by contrast, of course a hotel room is serene and simple - it's meant to be simple. The hotel room is meant to provide you with a temporary resting place as you continue on your journey. You can’t grow attached to it because it’s temporary. It’s always clean because you are not meant to stay. It’s a respite from home, a place to escape your life for a brief interval. It is plain vanilla and you only get out of it what you put into it.

Compare that to your room at home and there you’ll find the key: it's home. It’s yours, it’s where you build your memories, and where you’re surrounded by the things that mean the most to you. It may not be perfect. Maybe it needs a fresh coat of paint and you should probably fold the laundry once in a while, but still you should appreciate it for what it is: Its home.

That’s not to say that hotel rooms have no value or that you shouldn’t enjoy a little plain vanilla once in a while. Exactly the opposite: You need a little plain vanilla sometimes to help you appreciate real home cooked flavor.