My Friend Linda Died

I found out yesterday that my friend Linda died.   We worked together a long time ago, before I had kids, and before I got married.  She's been my friend for over 20 years.

I call her my friend and I always will, but in my heart I know that I took my friend for granted.  I hadn't seen her in years but through voicemail, email and facebook, we connected often enough to stay connected I thought.

She called me at work one hectic day this past winter.  She was in the hospital she said, but she made it sound like no big deal.  From winter to spring, bogged down in my own life I thought of her often.  "I've got to call Linda", I would say but I never got around to it.

Finally, yesterday I took a minute to look her up on Facebook.  There I saw the posts from her other friends uniting to say how much they missed her now that she was in heaven.  There was a video posted, songs, and prayers but there is no more Linda.

I carried on at work yesterday stoically, quietly looking forward to a moment to be alone with my thoughts, my mourning and my regret.  Finally as I laid my head down to rest on my pillow last night the tears flooded my heart and all I could say was "I'm sorry, Linda."

When the tears subsided I thought then of all my other friends whom I haven't seen in years.  Obligations, state lines, oceans and time keep us apart, we all know that.  But is the love I have for them in my heart enough to continue to claim them as my friends?  Do they feel neglected?  Do they still count me on their "friend" list?

Linda and I would leave crazy voicemails on each other's phones.  She would say "CHELLE!!!!" and I would say "Lindaaaaaaaah!!".  She would ask about my husband and kids and I owuld ask about her cat and her travels.  (Her cat was HUGE and she traveled quite extensively, Europe and the Caribbean - pretty cool.)  Then a few months later I would get another "CHELLE!!!!" and we'd connect again.

One could say that it was enough.  One could say that we each knew where the other was and that no matter how much time had passed, that we could always pick up where we left off in the same old groove like peas and carrots, as Forrest Gump might say.  However true that might be, I know that friendship should be more.

I heard someone say that friends are like the family members you get to choose.  People you invite into your life and welcome them to stay.  You're there for each other and eventually they are a part of your whole life, not just a piece of it.  Linda and I connected on every major event, but still my friend Linda died and I found out on Facebook.

I have a list of friends and family members for that matter - that I haven't seen in years (you know who you are - wink-wink).  Know this:  I love you and you'll be hearing from me.

What about tomorrow?

There was an acute awareness of time passing by today.  As we went about our lives, doing the things we do on Saturdays -- at the mall, the beauty salon, and the barbershop, whether we admit it or not, there was a palpable question lingering in the air.  As time ticked by you may have wondered to yourself what the future held for you -- today.

We all know we've got to go sometime, but no one knows when.  Yet, the idea propagated by one man that the end was near may have instilled a permanent question mark over your head, like the quizzical bubble over your favorite comic book character's head.  What if?

I was reminded of the days after September 11th.  In those dark days in New York especially, everyone was just a bit kinder, more compassionate.  The reality of just how close many of us came to the end of our days was enough to change our views, our directions and our philosophies.  Faced with the tragic reality of the day, all of us recognized the value of our lives, of each day, of our loved ones, and of our faith that given this miraculous second chance that we'd live the rest of our lives to the fullest.

Today may have held a similar value for you.  While we may have dismissed the idea that the end was near with a certain sardonic skepticism, we may also have wondered, deep down in our hearts whether tomorrow would come.  We laughed about what would happen or not happen at 6PM, but you may have noticed as I did that the laughter seemed just a bit forced.  Did you wonder as I did, where you would be, or where you should be?  Did you change your activities at all?  Did you silently glance at the clock more often that you normally would on a sunny, Saturday afternoon?

I don't know about you, but I took today as a blessing.  A sweet reminder that you can only live your life one moment at a time, one day at a time. September 11 was a wake up call - an event that we lived through to remind us of the sweetness of tomorrow.   So make your tomorrow count.  :-)

Don’t Let Anyone Steal Your Joy

Some people just like pushing buttons. Remember those toys you played with as a baby? You press this button and Mickey Mouse pops up, press that one and Donald Duck pops up. Eventually the child learns how to get Mickey or Donald to pop up whenever they want. Now fast forward a few years… Let’s say you’re at work… Someone has been reading you and studying how to get the response they want from you. If they want you to be happy, press this button… and if they want you to jump off the ledge, its that one. Those are the button pushers that get a sadistic thrill from seeing you out there on the ledge. Remember near the end of “The Devil Wears Prada”? All she had to say was “Do I smell freesias?” and the poor girl started stammering.

These are the people who want to tick you off, instill fear and hopelessness in your heart. Recent news stories will help you identify that kind of behavior as bullying -- which is unacceptable in any setting. It robs you of your happiness and can turn even the most confident person into a stammering fool.

Stop stammering. It doesn’t make sense to put up with negative behavior in your life. Just because some knucklehead didn’t get enough love in their childhood, or feels inadequate or insecure in themselves, it doesn’t give them the entre’ to spread the drama. We all know that’s where the negativity comes from – misery loves company and those miserable folks love to spread it around.

Well, guess what? It’s spring. It’s time for renewal of the earth and of the spirit. Let’s start by shaking off the negative energy and flipping the script. So if someone is pushing your buttons switch it up and change your response. Stand up – in your own way of course (and preferably a way that won’t get you jailed or fired) and represent.

Take back your power, and take back your joy.

Find Your Happy Place

How often is the well being of your spirit directed by external forces?  When something goes right, you're on cloud 9.  When something goes wrong you're in the depths of despair.  Why are you giving your joy away and letting your life and happiness be determined by the actions of other people? This is the surest path to depression and anxiety.  Regardless of the circumstance, the drama, the highs or the lows, stay the course, hold steady and do what you can to stay centered and grounded.

Find your happy place.  If you haven't been there lately, let me describe it for you.  Its that place where you know that you'll be ok no matter what life brings you.  Its where your heart is filled with faith that whether they love you or love you not, your internal happiness will survive.  Your mind doesn't race with worry when a door closes because you know a window will open.  Your body is filled with positive energy even when those around you predict gloom and doom.  Your happy place is the core of your being, the joyful spirit inside you where no one dwells except you and your God.

Take back your spirit and find the place in your heart where joy dwells.  Once you find it, move in.

Happy New Year!

You DON’T Complete Me - Why you need to put yourself first.

Today Elizabeth Edwards lost her long battle with cancer. She was to me a shining example of personal strength and why you need to put yourself first. Her husband screwed up, publicly. Fathered a child with another woman, denied the whole thing and then recanted admitting to both the child and the affair. He acted selfishly and his actions impacted his family and his wife.

We see broken wives everyday, who crumple and fall in the same situation. How many Oprah episodes (or Jerry Springer if that’s your thing) feature the tearful (or chair hurling) wife? How  do I go on without him, they cry. What they’re really saying is “Who am I without him?”

Elizabeth Edwards died today and all I could think was that no matter what he was doing, no matter what drama he imposed, she still had to battle cancer and fight back death. While she loved him deeply I’m sure, she had to step into her obligation to fight her fight no matter what he was doing. Whether he loved her or not… Whether he cheated or not... Whether he lied or not... At the end of the day – indeed at the end of her life – she still had to be Elizabeth Edwards.

That’s a lesson I learned years ago. I was so busy worrying about what my man was doing that I began to neglect myself. I didn’t want him to go anywhere or do anything without me, for fear that if given a little freedom, he might leave forever. What I didn’t realize back then was that no matter what he did I would have to live with myself. If we divorced one day, if he passed away, or if he ran away and joined the circus – I would still be me. If I remained lost in a dance of keeping him “here” I’d lose myself.

I think that’s the thing that strikes women the hardest. We give of ourselves, nurture our families and build a home where we want everyone to feel happy, secure and loved. We build our lives around a man or our kids, but when the relationship ends and the kids grow up and move away, you’re still there. Will you know who you are? Will you be the bitter woman who blames everyone else for her loneliness? Or will you be the woman who loves herself and can be alone without feeling “lonely”?

I’ve learned that you’ve got to be whole. Never mind that “you complete me” drivel, you complete yourself. Be whole on your own. The people in your life are there to share your journey until your paths separate and you have to walk on by yourself. Are you just going to sit pitifully by the side of the road until the next person comes along and hitchhike with them? Don’t do that. It’s a road destined for loneliness and regret. Walk your own path, stop when you’re tired, smell the roses and learn as you go – but never be afraid to walk alone.

Who are you, really?

Two of my favorite female characters are Kandi Burruss of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and the infamous Samantha Jones of Sex and the City. What I love about them is that they know exactly who they are and no matter where they are, no matter who is watching, they are who they are. The irony that they are both paid to perform for the camera notwithstanding, they are both authentic characters.


Kandi is a self-made, successful singer and songwriter. She’s very down to earth, nothing fazes her and when she sees bull---- she calls it like it is. Love that. Kandi was attending a really chi-chi-poo-poo bridal shower on a recent episode, where the women were dressed to the nines – big hats, gloves, and ballerinas. So in a very small gesture, as she was alighting from her Mercedes for the event, she puts on her big hat. Looking like a new millennium Minnie Pearl, with the price tag dangling from her obviously new big hat, she snatches off the price tag and keeps on strutting. Cool.

Then there’s Samantha Jones, so comfortable in her heterosexuality – as any fan of the show knows. Always ready for whatever comes up, she’s open for new, ummm, opportunities, and she doesn’t hold her tongue – no puns intended. Even in Abu Dhabi surrounded by women shrouded in burkas, and people all around are speaking in whispers – she speaks her mind, loudly.

A good friend of mine, let’s call her PB, once told me that women get to a certain age and they recognize who they really are. They no longer live for approval, or acceptance they embrace themselves, do what feels right and keep on strutting. In today's terms, that someone is your authentic self.

Male or female, we have all bought into other people's ideas of who we are and what we should say and do. Whether its our family, or our boss, or society in general. But we spend so much of our lives and our energy trying to meet someone else's expectations that eventually we resent the restrictions and we come to resent ourselves for living half a life. Well, here's my expectation for you. Live your whole life, be your whole self, and be happy in it.

Its not an easy thing to and I don't know exactly how to do that, but I have caught glimpses of the real me..The one who loves my husband, my kids and my family - shopping, movies, good music and the beach…The one who really, really doesn't like getting up before noon...The one who doesn't like confrontations, but will handle it when necessary. I recognize those are some of the things that make me me, and I'm learning to embrace that she is my authentic self. She's not perfect, and she’s not here full-time yet but I’m working on it.

Have you met your authentic self? http://www.oprah.com/spirit/New-Years-Resolution-Just-Be-Yourself

Define Your Own Success

When you first started out in your career, you probably said something like: I want to make Partner/Vice President/Sargeant/Broker by the time I’m 25/35/45. So you worked like crazy, completely focused on learning your business and mastering your craft, when suddenly you look up and find that you’ve made it. The company promotes you to Partner/Vice President/Sargeant/Broker. Break out the champagne, or maybe its Miller time but go ahead and enjoy your accomplishment, you’ve certainly earned it. Congrats! Woohoo!

Eventually the buzz passes and its time to settle into the new gig, learn the ropes and do the work. What may surprise you is that its not as great as you thought it would be. How did that happen? Its kind of like the buyer’s remorse for new homeowners. You’re looking at the white picket fence and thinking its worth the price but once you fork over all your cash and sign your name to a tremendous pile of legal documents, you’re faced with the reality of those big payments for 30 years!

The same principle could apply to your Partner/Vice President/Sargeant/Broker goal. You spent so much time focused on getting there, that you never stopped to think about what actually happens when you get there? The view from the top of your mountain may look very different than what you had envisioned. Its too late to turn back once you get there, but there are important clues on the journey to the top if we just slow down and notice the signs.

What do you do? What if you love the nitty gritty task management and being involved in the day to day. At your level, that’s par for the course, but one or two levels above may not be as involved. Would you be happy sitting in meetings day after day talking through big picture strategy and long term planning? Or would you long for the days when you could cross things off your to do list every day? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s important to note as it could lead to major dissatisfaction in the executive suite. Be sure to do your research and talk to people in the position you’re after and ask that “typical day on the job” question. Then plan your direction accordingly.

What about money? Money isn’t everything. Sure, it can solve a heck of a lot of problems and help you sleep a little better a night knowing that the bills are paid, but its really not everything. Let’s compare your local job to a higher paying position in the city. The pay scale for local, around the way jobs may be lower but will the thought of extra dollar signs be enough when you’re headed off to work packed on a train full of grumpy strangers at the crack of dawn? Or how about when your train is delayed and you’re stuck with those same grumpy strangers and you miss your kid’s school concert. Your kids will plow through that extra money before you can blink, but they would always remember your smiling face from the back row of the concert.

What about you? The bills are paid, the lights are on and the fridge is full. You’re able to make it to several school functions and your view is better than it was before your promotion. Itemized on paper, your new job has more pros than cons and it looks perfect. But something is still gnawing at you. Well, looks aren’t everything. Maybe its time to focus on home since you’ve spent so much energy focused on work. It may just be that youre ready for your next challenge. Just be mindful of the signs as you speed off to your next plateau.