In talking to a friend last week, I realized something about myself. I’m a goal setter. I rarely make a move without identifying the objective, plotting out the steps and then methodically stepping through each milestone to achieve the goal.
That can be a good thing for most but for me it’s a weakness.
My husband says I overanalyze. First I research. Then I go out and buy a “how to do this” book, read it cover to cover… then think some more…. I ponder… I wonder… I seek advice and counsel from trusted friends… then I think some more. Only problem is there’s no activity – no measurable progress. I move at a snail’s pace, talk about it, obsess about it (this could take years)… THEN I make a move.
Back in the day, I got bored really easily at work. Boredom led me to job-hop in a time when that kind of thing was a no-no. Back then, in the 80’s and early 90’s, when my standards and requirements and expectations were really low I could afford that kind of freedom. Once I got married, had a house, kids (and a cat) my expectations rose higher and my freedom seemed limited.
Eventually I landed in a great job which I thought would cure my job-hopper tendencies. But after a few years I outgrew it and it was time to plot my next step. True to form, I started the research-ponder-wonder scenario and ultimately I made myself miserable. I couldn’t concentrate on work because I was preoccupied with what to do next, and I couldn’t concentrate on what to do next because I knew my work was suffering. Talk about miserable!
It didn’t help that there were people around me who were really happy at work. They were great people who were happy doing the same job for 10-20 years who would be happy to continue for 10-20 more. This was not something I could do…
Then one day while sitting under the dryer at the hairdresser mentally wrestling with what-to-do, what-to-do it occurred to me that I was wasting my time… Then I heard the voice of reason “Just keep swimming”, Dori said. You know Dori... The blue fish in Finding Nemo? (Yes, sometimes its important to listen to the voices of cartoon characters...) But I digress... LOL
Sure, it’s ok to set a goal. Sure, its ok to plan your next steps... just don’t obsess about them. Obsessing, over-analyzing and overthinking just waste time and energy. Too much of this focus on the future and you'll end up missing out on the good times that could be happening in the here and now. If you just keep swimming, you’ll probably end up somewhere better than you even envisioned. Just keep swimming. Work hard, do your best, let your light shine and keep the faith. Trust that there are angels around to do the heavy lifting.
Set a goal…. Then wing it!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
You’re always in my heart. Love Sy.
On a bright sunny day in 2000 my Grandmother Margaret died. She was my friend. I used to call her every couple of weeks and we’d just chat. She lived in Virginia Beach and we didn’t get to visit as often as we liked, so I’d fill her in on what was happening in my life. Grandmother was always happy to hear from me and I could hear the smile in her voice as I rambled on and she prodded me with questions. She had a twinkle in her eye, a great sense of style, a quick wit. She loved basketball and her New York Knicks and me.
After she died, her gold charm bracelet was passed on to me. The bracelet itself is woven with heart links and there are several heart charms. I wear it whenever I need to feel close to her, whenever I don’t think my strength will be enough. One of the charms is engraved with “You’re always in my heart. Love Sy.” Sy, or Simon, was my granddaddy and he bought this charm bracelet for her and inscribed those few words for the love of his life.
While wearing the bracelet recently it occurred to me how incredibly powerful those words are – worth so much more than their weight in gold – so to speak. I can’t find a single birthday card, or letter from either of them and I don’t have anything they’ve written… Just this charm and the words – You’re always in my heart….
They are a symbol of the love my grandparents shared and a reminder of the love they had for me. Those words have power. Our words have power, too. The power to pass on your love and your legacy to those you love even when you’re not there to say the words yourself.
I borrowed my friend’s book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. Randy was that brilliant and courageous college professor who died of pancreatic cancer. In chapter 14 Randy describes the instructions he left for his niece and nephew and how they should look after his kids after he’s gone. That thoughtfulness is his legacy and I am awestruck that his kids can pick up that book any day, anytime to hear how much he loved them – in Randy’s own words.
I wish I could have one more day with Grandmother Margaret, Aunt Naomi and Grandma Sophie … Thoughts occur to me and I pretend they were divinely transmitted from somewhere in heaven. I look at my kids and smile when I think of how much my grandparents would love them. I “hmph” and “mmm-mmm-mmmm” as I’ve heard throughout my life and wish I could hear again.
After I’ve gone my children and grandchildren may feel the same way about me. They may long to hear my voice and they may wish to know what I thought and how I thought and to confirm how much I loved them. That’s why I write -- so that when I’m gone I will leave a legacy of love. I write and with each word I release a little more of my heart. I'm convinced that as long as we share the love of our deepest heart, what will come back is the deepest love.
Just as Granddaddy said, “you’re always in my heart.” Love, M.
After she died, her gold charm bracelet was passed on to me. The bracelet itself is woven with heart links and there are several heart charms. I wear it whenever I need to feel close to her, whenever I don’t think my strength will be enough. One of the charms is engraved with “You’re always in my heart. Love Sy.” Sy, or Simon, was my granddaddy and he bought this charm bracelet for her and inscribed those few words for the love of his life.
While wearing the bracelet recently it occurred to me how incredibly powerful those words are – worth so much more than their weight in gold – so to speak. I can’t find a single birthday card, or letter from either of them and I don’t have anything they’ve written… Just this charm and the words – You’re always in my heart….
They are a symbol of the love my grandparents shared and a reminder of the love they had for me. Those words have power. Our words have power, too. The power to pass on your love and your legacy to those you love even when you’re not there to say the words yourself.
I borrowed my friend’s book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. Randy was that brilliant and courageous college professor who died of pancreatic cancer. In chapter 14 Randy describes the instructions he left for his niece and nephew and how they should look after his kids after he’s gone. That thoughtfulness is his legacy and I am awestruck that his kids can pick up that book any day, anytime to hear how much he loved them – in Randy’s own words.
I wish I could have one more day with Grandmother Margaret, Aunt Naomi and Grandma Sophie … Thoughts occur to me and I pretend they were divinely transmitted from somewhere in heaven. I look at my kids and smile when I think of how much my grandparents would love them. I “hmph” and “mmm-mmm-mmmm” as I’ve heard throughout my life and wish I could hear again.
After I’ve gone my children and grandchildren may feel the same way about me. They may long to hear my voice and they may wish to know what I thought and how I thought and to confirm how much I loved them. That’s why I write -- so that when I’m gone I will leave a legacy of love. I write and with each word I release a little more of my heart. I'm convinced that as long as we share the love of our deepest heart, what will come back is the deepest love.
Just as Granddaddy said, “you’re always in my heart.” Love, M.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What the world needs now is more hotel rooms.
Hotel rooms are always neat and clean – vacuumed, dusted, and shiny. The bed is always made. The linens are always fresh. With or without an ocean view they are almost always welcoming and calm.
As much as I try to recreate that serenity at home, somehow our bedroom falls short. Ever-present in our room is a basket of laundry waiting to be folded. You can usually find a tower or two of books that we want to read but haven’t found the time. The kids like to leave little notes on our mirror: Need lunch money, please sign permission slip, can’t find my sneakers… A couple of file folders from work and sheets of electrical plans usually complete my bedroom's decor. Not exactly the picture of serenity.
So by contrast, of course a hotel room is serene and simple - it's meant to be simple. The hotel room is meant to provide you with a temporary resting place as you continue on your journey. You can’t grow attached to it because it’s temporary. It’s always clean because you are not meant to stay. It’s a respite from home, a place to escape your life for a brief interval. It is plain vanilla and you only get out of it what you put into it.
Compare that to your room at home and there you’ll find the key: it's home. It’s yours, it’s where you build your memories, and where you’re surrounded by the things that mean the most to you. It may not be perfect. Maybe it needs a fresh coat of paint and you should probably fold the laundry once in a while, but still you should appreciate it for what it is: Its home.
That’s not to say that hotel rooms have no value or that you shouldn’t enjoy a little plain vanilla once in a while. Exactly the opposite: You need a little plain vanilla sometimes to help you appreciate real home cooked flavor.
As much as I try to recreate that serenity at home, somehow our bedroom falls short. Ever-present in our room is a basket of laundry waiting to be folded. You can usually find a tower or two of books that we want to read but haven’t found the time. The kids like to leave little notes on our mirror: Need lunch money, please sign permission slip, can’t find my sneakers… A couple of file folders from work and sheets of electrical plans usually complete my bedroom's decor. Not exactly the picture of serenity.
So by contrast, of course a hotel room is serene and simple - it's meant to be simple. The hotel room is meant to provide you with a temporary resting place as you continue on your journey. You can’t grow attached to it because it’s temporary. It’s always clean because you are not meant to stay. It’s a respite from home, a place to escape your life for a brief interval. It is plain vanilla and you only get out of it what you put into it.
Compare that to your room at home and there you’ll find the key: it's home. It’s yours, it’s where you build your memories, and where you’re surrounded by the things that mean the most to you. It may not be perfect. Maybe it needs a fresh coat of paint and you should probably fold the laundry once in a while, but still you should appreciate it for what it is: Its home.
That’s not to say that hotel rooms have no value or that you shouldn’t enjoy a little plain vanilla once in a while. Exactly the opposite: You need a little plain vanilla sometimes to help you appreciate real home cooked flavor.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Gift of Peace...
How many times have I suggested the importance of taking "me time" and meditative moments? Well here’s a confession… I haven’t taken my own advice.
I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a student, a writer, an executive and a friend to all except myself. I’ve made time to take care of everyone but me. Meditate? Remember my spirit? Nope. I’ve let housework, Mommy-work and work-work get in the way of making myself happy. I’ve neglected to do the things that keep me growing and keep me sane. But I suppose even recognizing that truth means I’m still growing and learning.
Even so... there’s a reason why the flight attendant always says “in the event of an emergency take care of yourself first and then tend to your child”. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t have the strength to tend to anything or anyone else. Ain’t that the truth. You’ll find yourself stretched to the limit, jumpy, irritable and generally miserable. That was me. Is that you, too? I hope not. But if that is your situation, then I hope you can do something about it before its too late. Or maybe someone you love will do something to help you find your way back.
Fortunately, I have someone in my life who loves me like that. For my Mother’s Day gift, he sent me off to check into a hotel room... just for me... to relax – by myself. Nice, huh?
It can’t take the place of those pancakes lovingly served to me in bed by my three beautiful children, or the flowers, perfume or jewelry delivered with a kiss from my sweet loving husband. No, but this gift restores my spirit in a way I didn’t know I needed. So as I sit here, in a great hotel room with room service, a glass of wine and sole control over the remote, I am happily writing this blog. I am grateful for my husband, grateful for my kids, and grateful for the gift of peace -- peace of mind. Happy Mother’s Day.
I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a student, a writer, an executive and a friend to all except myself. I’ve made time to take care of everyone but me. Meditate? Remember my spirit? Nope. I’ve let housework, Mommy-work and work-work get in the way of making myself happy. I’ve neglected to do the things that keep me growing and keep me sane. But I suppose even recognizing that truth means I’m still growing and learning.
Even so... there’s a reason why the flight attendant always says “in the event of an emergency take care of yourself first and then tend to your child”. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t have the strength to tend to anything or anyone else. Ain’t that the truth. You’ll find yourself stretched to the limit, jumpy, irritable and generally miserable. That was me. Is that you, too? I hope not. But if that is your situation, then I hope you can do something about it before its too late. Or maybe someone you love will do something to help you find your way back.
Fortunately, I have someone in my life who loves me like that. For my Mother’s Day gift, he sent me off to check into a hotel room... just for me... to relax – by myself. Nice, huh?
It can’t take the place of those pancakes lovingly served to me in bed by my three beautiful children, or the flowers, perfume or jewelry delivered with a kiss from my sweet loving husband. No, but this gift restores my spirit in a way I didn’t know I needed. So as I sit here, in a great hotel room with room service, a glass of wine and sole control over the remote, I am happily writing this blog. I am grateful for my husband, grateful for my kids, and grateful for the gift of peace -- peace of mind. Happy Mother’s Day.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Back to School!!
So, you want to go back to school but visions of Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School keep scaring you away. Don’t let that stop you! You’re never too old to learn and if you’re looking to make the next step in your career or change direction altogether, going back to school may be your best first step. Besides, going back to school as an adult comes with surprising advantages that will make the experience cooler than you’d imagine.
Take me, for instance. I was officially forty-something when I decided to go back to school. After I submitted my application to State University of New York’s Empire State College, a wave of what-have-I-done panic came over me. I had already determined that I would major in writing… you know, follow the road not taken so no surprise there. But what completely knocked me off my feet was the idea that going back to college as an adult has the distinct advantage of 20-20 hindsight vision.
Think about it…. For many 18 year olds heading off to college, it’s a continuation of high school, with no real world context and no real world wisdom…. How many times have you said, “If I knew then what I know now…” Well, put that wisdom to its best use and go back to school. What better perspective than that of someone who has real world experience, managing a career, or raising a family, or managing a household. Adult learners already know which classes the real world will find the most valuable.
An even better realization came to me as started putting my degree plan together. I have a second chance to go back to the fork in the road and travel the road not taken, knowing that I can handle whatever that road brings. My younger self may not have been so appreciative of this opportunity, but my 40+ year old self is not willing to waste any more time. I’m jumping in knowing it’s a privilege to have the option and it’s a blessing to be able to act on it.
Remember – Flexibility is key. Whether you’re going for undergrad, graduate studies, a certificate or just continuing education, there are tons of possibilities out there!
Where to go?
How about Cybercollege? I have a husband, kids, a career, and zero extra time for sitting in a classroom. What I found out is that the internet and smart phones make the brick and mortar classroom an option, instead of a necessity. Lots of schools offer connection points over the web through discussion boards and campus based intranet settings. It can take a little getting used to as some colleges will require frequent postings and online interaction to simulate classroom discussions, but there’s nothing like going to class in your pajamas. Online colleges like University of Phoenix – http://www.phoenix.edu and Kaplan University – http://www.kaplan.edu come to mind.
Colleges for Adults If you’re beyond the “keg party” days and looking for an environment and structure suited for adults you’re in luck! There are many adult college programs out there with the flexibility to work around your day job, your family and your lifestyle.
To begin your search you can visit www.Collegeboard.com, or check out these great colleges:
Take me, for instance. I was officially forty-something when I decided to go back to school. After I submitted my application to State University of New York’s Empire State College, a wave of what-have-I-done panic came over me. I had already determined that I would major in writing… you know, follow the road not taken so no surprise there. But what completely knocked me off my feet was the idea that going back to college as an adult has the distinct advantage of 20-20 hindsight vision.
Think about it…. For many 18 year olds heading off to college, it’s a continuation of high school, with no real world context and no real world wisdom…. How many times have you said, “If I knew then what I know now…” Well, put that wisdom to its best use and go back to school. What better perspective than that of someone who has real world experience, managing a career, or raising a family, or managing a household. Adult learners already know which classes the real world will find the most valuable.
An even better realization came to me as started putting my degree plan together. I have a second chance to go back to the fork in the road and travel the road not taken, knowing that I can handle whatever that road brings. My younger self may not have been so appreciative of this opportunity, but my 40+ year old self is not willing to waste any more time. I’m jumping in knowing it’s a privilege to have the option and it’s a blessing to be able to act on it.
Remember – Flexibility is key. Whether you’re going for undergrad, graduate studies, a certificate or just continuing education, there are tons of possibilities out there!
Where to go?
How about Cybercollege? I have a husband, kids, a career, and zero extra time for sitting in a classroom. What I found out is that the internet and smart phones make the brick and mortar classroom an option, instead of a necessity. Lots of schools offer connection points over the web through discussion boards and campus based intranet settings. It can take a little getting used to as some colleges will require frequent postings and online interaction to simulate classroom discussions, but there’s nothing like going to class in your pajamas. Online colleges like University of Phoenix – http://www.phoenix.edu and Kaplan University – http://www.kaplan.edu come to mind.
Colleges for Adults If you’re beyond the “keg party” days and looking for an environment and structure suited for adults you’re in luck! There are many adult college programs out there with the flexibility to work around your day job, your family and your lifestyle.
To begin your search you can visit www.Collegeboard.com, or check out these great colleges:
- SUNY Empire State College (my alma mater) http://www.esc.edu/esconline/online2.nsf/html/isescforyou.html
- Adelphi
http://academics.adelphi.edu/universitycollege/index.php - Fordham
http://www.fordham.edu/academics/colleges__graduate_s/undergraduate_colleg/fordham_college_of_l/welcome/ - New York University
http://www.scps.nyu.edu/academic-programs/continuing-education/
How to pay for it?
There may not be an easy answer to the money question in today’s economy but don’t give up. With a little ingenuity you discover an affordable solution. Consider your home's equity or your company’s tuition reimbursement program for starters. You may be able to write off some or part of your tuition costs on your tax return. See your tax consultant, or visit the IRS for details: http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=96273,00.html
Scholarships may also be a possibility. Here are two programs that I know of, though both are targeted to women (sorry guys) and are based on age and financial need:
AARP http://www.aarpfoundationwlc.org/content/view/26/1/
Talbots http://www1.talbots.com/online/landing/landingPage.jsp?landingPage=scholarship&_requestid=1722418
For more inclusive grant and scholarship options, visit www.FastWeb.com to start your search.
Find your school and the money will come. :-)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Tell the voice in your head to shut up
It never fails… Whenever you set your sights on a new opportunity, goal or challenge, there’s a voice in your head happily telling you that you can’t make it. Don’t listen to it.
Those dark moments of self doubt are dream killers of the worst kind. Its the fear in your heart that finds its voice and steers you away from your goals, telling you that whatever you're striving for is unachievable... you can't do it... Are you kidding? Do you know how many have tried it? What were you thinking?
It’s going to take inner strength, strong conviction and your own “self talk” to get you through. Recite positive affirmations, memorize some bible verses, download “Don’t worry be happy” onto your Ipod… Do whatever it takes to fill your head with positive energy, whatever it is that lifts your spirits and keeps you motivated to achieve your dreams. Start talking to yourself and tell the disagreeable bubble-bursting, dream-killing voice in your head to shut up.
Those dark moments of self doubt are dream killers of the worst kind. Its the fear in your heart that finds its voice and steers you away from your goals, telling you that whatever you're striving for is unachievable... you can't do it... Are you kidding? Do you know how many have tried it? What were you thinking?
It’s going to take inner strength, strong conviction and your own “self talk” to get you through. Recite positive affirmations, memorize some bible verses, download “Don’t worry be happy” onto your Ipod… Do whatever it takes to fill your head with positive energy, whatever it is that lifts your spirits and keeps you motivated to achieve your dreams. Start talking to yourself and tell the disagreeable bubble-bursting, dream-killing voice in your head to shut up.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I Believe in Faith
Faith is that little voice. The ‘yes, we can’ mantra of the Obama presidential campaign that used to ring in my head which is now fading and becoming harder to hear. Like a parade which is passing me by.
Faith is the belief that you’re going to be ok no matter what happens, no matter where you end up, no matter what not-so-great ideas that you act on—faith is the belief that it’s going to be alright. I had that kind of faith when I was younger. I look back on decisions I made and paths that were probably best not taken and I shudder with incredulity. Hindsight may be 20/20 but I’d give anything for an ounce of the faith that I had back then.
Faith is falling asleep on the #3 train at 4 in the morning travelling home to Brooklyn from a night of clubbing. I fully expected that we’d make it home safely, there simply was no doubt. Faith is quitting my job about a month before Christmas yet knowing that I would have a new job in time to buy presents. No brainer. Faith is trying to buy a house with one month on a new job. It’s hearing the words, “there’s a problem with the baby’s heartbeat” and trusting that I would survive. What happened to that faith? What happened? Did I lose my nerve or my strength, or did I lose my faith?
My life has taken many detours, sharp hairpin turns, a few miles in reverse and into full speed ahead: find true love, get married, start a family, make a home, build a career. Now, I find myself coasting in neutral and even at this slow speed my foot still hovers over the brake ready to screech to a stop at each intersection. I am cautious with my life’s choices and decisions now. Perhaps rightfully so. I don’t want to do anything that would upset the beautiful life I find myself living. My marriage, my children, my family, my home, my career – this is my life and I must protect it at all costs. I am cautious about what I expose my children to for fear that something will cause them harm. I am cautious of the people I let into my life, afraid of finding out that they do not have my best interests at heart. I am cautious about career decisions as they may ultimately undermine my ability to provide for my family. These are not the thoughts of the faithful. No. These are the thoughts of the fearful. Here’s the thing about living in fear, it leaves no room for faith.
I heard myself talking to a friend a few weeks ago as she explained why she would not let this great guy into her life. I heard my own fear in her words and understood instantly where she was coming from. I understood how she’d shut down the most vulnerable parts of herself to protect her heart from hurt, just as I had shut out certain people and circumstances to protect my life. I heard myself explaining to her how she needed to let go and let her faith guide her. The words just kind of jumbled out pleading with her to live her whole life, not just the parts that looked safe. I listened to myself as I told her let down her guard and let God guard her.
I distinctly recall being in that crowded restaurant, and not caring who heard my near evangelical soliloquy. I remember the light that seemed to fill my heart as I encouraged her to take a leap of faith and trust that God would be with her always – no matter what. I told her that living in fear left no room for God to take care of her and this I believe is true. Living in fear leaves no room for God. But the belief that God will take care of you, provide for you, and protect you, that is faith.
My own cup is half empty of that kind of faith, but every now and then the ‘yes, we can’ chanting becomes a little louder. Some days I can barely hear it, but it’s always there in my heart. These days it grows louder, like the distant sound of a parade marching in my direction.
Faith is the belief that you’re going to be ok no matter what happens, no matter where you end up, no matter what not-so-great ideas that you act on—faith is the belief that it’s going to be alright. I had that kind of faith when I was younger. I look back on decisions I made and paths that were probably best not taken and I shudder with incredulity. Hindsight may be 20/20 but I’d give anything for an ounce of the faith that I had back then.
Faith is falling asleep on the #3 train at 4 in the morning travelling home to Brooklyn from a night of clubbing. I fully expected that we’d make it home safely, there simply was no doubt. Faith is quitting my job about a month before Christmas yet knowing that I would have a new job in time to buy presents. No brainer. Faith is trying to buy a house with one month on a new job. It’s hearing the words, “there’s a problem with the baby’s heartbeat” and trusting that I would survive. What happened to that faith? What happened? Did I lose my nerve or my strength, or did I lose my faith?
My life has taken many detours, sharp hairpin turns, a few miles in reverse and into full speed ahead: find true love, get married, start a family, make a home, build a career. Now, I find myself coasting in neutral and even at this slow speed my foot still hovers over the brake ready to screech to a stop at each intersection. I am cautious with my life’s choices and decisions now. Perhaps rightfully so. I don’t want to do anything that would upset the beautiful life I find myself living. My marriage, my children, my family, my home, my career – this is my life and I must protect it at all costs. I am cautious about what I expose my children to for fear that something will cause them harm. I am cautious of the people I let into my life, afraid of finding out that they do not have my best interests at heart. I am cautious about career decisions as they may ultimately undermine my ability to provide for my family. These are not the thoughts of the faithful. No. These are the thoughts of the fearful. Here’s the thing about living in fear, it leaves no room for faith.
I heard myself talking to a friend a few weeks ago as she explained why she would not let this great guy into her life. I heard my own fear in her words and understood instantly where she was coming from. I understood how she’d shut down the most vulnerable parts of herself to protect her heart from hurt, just as I had shut out certain people and circumstances to protect my life. I heard myself explaining to her how she needed to let go and let her faith guide her. The words just kind of jumbled out pleading with her to live her whole life, not just the parts that looked safe. I listened to myself as I told her let down her guard and let God guard her.
I distinctly recall being in that crowded restaurant, and not caring who heard my near evangelical soliloquy. I remember the light that seemed to fill my heart as I encouraged her to take a leap of faith and trust that God would be with her always – no matter what. I told her that living in fear left no room for God to take care of her and this I believe is true. Living in fear leaves no room for God. But the belief that God will take care of you, provide for you, and protect you, that is faith.
My own cup is half empty of that kind of faith, but every now and then the ‘yes, we can’ chanting becomes a little louder. Some days I can barely hear it, but it’s always there in my heart. These days it grows louder, like the distant sound of a parade marching in my direction.
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